Facing my own demons

adoption, adoption loss, life,

Fish on the beach

I may be less… Around for a short while. My sister is coming soon for a visit. So I have things to do… That being said, I do have a few things I want to… Get off my chest before I go off to my home work.

I have to try to figure out where I am standing. I feel like a fish on the beach. Flipping and Flopping around without any direction.

I did finally sit my husband down and talked to him about what I’ve been doing with all my spare time lately. We talked for the first time in depth about my children. Oh, he did know that I had three children and that I lost them to adoption. But I never opened myself up to him about the details. I never before gave him an opportunity to ask questions. So, finally, he knows it all. Everything. And he still loves me. The sky didn’t fall in on my head. God, Himself, didn’t smite me down for talking out loud about my feelings. My heart didn’t stop beating as I thought it might. It is done. One person down… So many many more to go… Will I talk about this part of me to anyone else in my family? I’m not sure about that.

It’s one of the things that I’m flipping around about. What does my family know about my children? I’m not really sure. What they do know was what ever my step mother had told them years ago at the time it happened. I never told them anything. It is that taboo subject that no one talks about. (this is nothing new.. I know.. It is this way for many many women who are first mothers) But if I’m going to do this.. Search for my now adult, children… Shouldn’t the people in my life know how they came to be someone else’s children? Or should I live on a need to know way of life?

The Search… Ok, there is another flipping, flopping topic for me… And this one is a very hot topic! So I am almost finished reading “The girls who went Away.” Which, while the book is very helpful in helping me be aware that my problems in life are not because I am some weird crazy person, it also has left me very very undecided.

Ann Fessler, in this book said that there are basically two types of people who search for their children. Active and passive. So far, I have become the later. I have registered on several search sites and I check them periodically to see if anyone new… My children… Have registered with any of them. My husband told me that he thought it would be a good thing for me to try to find them….. To become an active searcher… But should I?

I know, from Ann Fessler, that many adoptee’s have the same sense of fear when it comes to searching for their First parents as the first parents do themselves. So what if one or all of my children really want to find me, but they are afraid to look. Maybe they are afraid that I don’t want to be found… What if they don’t know about the registries on the Internet? So I should be more active in my search for them.

However, I also know that there are some adoptees who do not wish to be found… Ok, so it’s a small number of them.. But what if my kids fall in that category? Do I have a right to search for them and enter their lives suddenly without any warning?! Just to satisfy my own need to know? And oh I do need to know! I need to know who they are now. I need to know if they are ok. I need to know if they had a good life. I need to know if they want to know me… And there I go… Isn’t that my own selfish needs rearing it’s ugly little head? What right do I have pushing my self on them now?

They are already adults now. They had their childhood without me there. What did I do to prepare them for this time in their lives? From their point of view, what I did was abandon them.

Yes, Yes, I know all the truths. I know the truth is I was emotionally unequipped to make any kind of life decisions at that time. I know that I was well prepped to be vulnerable to the coarsen, but there is a bottom line that I have to accept. I, and I alone, signed those papers. I truly believe that at that time, I was not mentally capable of making any type of decision but I could have, should have, asked for help. I should have known that I wasn’t thinking clearly enough to face all that alone. I could have asked my parents, or even my sister. Maybe I wasn’t even able to see that I needed help. Maybe I was so messed up, that I didn’t even realize how messed up I was.

But my kids don’t know any of that. All they know is that I signed the papers that severed my rights as their mother. I signed them.

Even my oldest daughter, who was 5 years old at the time I signed those evil papers, what does she know? What does she remember? What was she told? When I reunioned with her when she was a teenager, she didn’t ask me anything about that time. Was that because she was still too young to ask the questions, or was it that she thought she already had the answers?

As far as I know she only expressed desire to find me, because she thought her favorite grandmother, my step mother, was dying. So was I just a vessel to get to see her grand parents? Does she feel that way still? If she does, than I have no right seeking her out and forcing her to stand or flee. Do I?

My favorite quote, that I have used way too much in life:

“My rights end, where someone else’s begins.”

 If I strive to live my life by that philosophy, then where to my rights  to know end? What rights do my kids want? I don’t know where their rights begin, because I don’t know what they really want. And I don’t know how I will ever know without risking trampling on their rights. Flip Flop.

July 3, 2006 Posted by | Adoption, search | 5 Comments