Facing my own demons

adoption, adoption loss, life,

“You need to make it ok for them”

Because I can not control my dark days…. here is another post that is not the one I have promise…..

“You need to make it ok for them.”

The words of that so called well meaning social worker will forever reverberate in my head, slashing away at any sanity that I might have thought I had left.

This post by MSP: http://peacefullyseeking.blogspot.com/2006/09/warning-could-be-triggering-to-some.html

Reminded me of the day I said goodbye to my precious daughters forever. These so called “handing over ceremonies” remind me of that day that the social worker at CPS “allowed” me to say goodbye to my girls. Before I was allowed to see my children, I was told what I should or should not say to them. “You need to make it ok for them.” … Just as this agency seem to script what the mother should do or say at the “handing over ceremony”, I was given a verbal script to follow. So that it would “make it ok” for my kids to be saying goodbye to their mother and going to a stranger and suddenly calling her mother. What could one do or say to make such an unnatural thing, “OK”? Just as what could the mother of that new born baby do or say to make it ok for her to hand her baby to some other woman and call herself…. Arrr “Birthmother”??

How could telling a five and a three year old that I couldn’t take good care of them any more and that I wanted them to be happy, so I am giving them to someone who could take care of them, do anything to make this OK?! How could saying something that horrible not cause my children pain and guilt?! Children almost always feel guilt when there is a divorce of the parents… How could me saying such horrid things about them leaving me and going to live with strangers not make them think that they had been bad, so bad that mommy couldn’t care for them any more. But this is indeed what the social worker wanted me to say. Repeating the sentence several times so that I would remember the words… How could I say that horrid lie to my children? What more damage would that statement caused on top of the damage that was already being done to them!

Just as the “handing over ceremony” is suggested being done in a controlled environment, such as the adoption agency. My goodbye was carefully planned and controlled at all times by the CPS workers. When I was left alone, in that sparsely furnished room…I broke free from their control… But only for a moment. I told my children that I loved them and wanted to keep them more than anything else in life. I told them the truth, that I wasn’t given a choice, that I had to let them go. I told them how wonderful they were and that no matter what I wanted only their happiness, but I was not in control of this now. I told them that someday they would be able to look for me and I would never be far. And that I would always be waiting for them. I told them they were good girls and none of this was ever their fault… When did “It” happen?! I don’t know… I was talking as fast as I could, I was holding my children as close as I could and telling them of my love as much as I could before “they” came back.

Suddenly, the door burst open, as if the swat team themselves had come to break down the door! So many men and women in suits came bursting into the room! Some time during the fast and ferrous speech of love that I was giving my daughters, these suit people physically tore my children from my arms as they had already emotionally had done weeks before. My daughters’ screams mixed together with the screams of another, who I was surprised to learn was me.

Just like the controlled environment that is suggested for the “handing over ceremony”; they had their controls ready and quickly removed the threat that I might make my children understand that it was them, the horrid government agency that was supposed to protect them, the same government agency that I had went to for help in protecting my girls, that were tearing their lives apart. I had broken their rule, thou shall not let the CPS look bad, even if thou has to take the blame, thou must not let the CPS look bad. And they punished me by stripping me of my final goodbye to my children. What emotional scars did they give those two girls when they literally ripped them, kicking and screaming from my arms? …

Just as I am sure the adoption agencies employees would put a quick end to any good byes the mother may have if she showed signs of changing her mind.

And the video tape or pictures they suggest?! What is that?! Because they know, they even say it. That the mother will not remember some things! What they don’t say is why she won’t remember some things. Because she is so emotionally traumatized that her brain is not capable of holding all her memories. that her HUMAN brain could not handle that much pain, so it will repress some memories, and may even dump some memories forever.

That year for me has many holes in my memories. I see that year of my life in a serious of images, as if there were photos on the screen of my brain, flashing one after the other in no perticular order and none of them fit together. Some of these images even seem foreign to me, as if I had retrieved someone else’s photos at the shop.

I remember some things all too clearly. I remember the day I said goodbye to my girls as clear as if it were yesterday. I remember what it felt like to hold them to me and smell their sweet hair and kiss their soft face… I remember the pain, I can still feel the pain in my chest as I watched my girls being carried away…. I don’t remember ever leaving that room…… Do I want pictures or video of that day to remind me? OHHHHHH God No! I couldn’t stand to see it in real world, when I can see it so clearly in my head.

Do I want some of my lost memories back… I think yes… In point, that last day of seeing my girls, I was then, unknown to me yet, pregnant with their brother…. I do remember finally figuring out I was pregnant, I do remember being sick the whole time, I do remember working right on up until the day I went into labor… I can’t see it though. I can’t feel my son moving inside my womb in my memories. I can’t see myself with large belly wobbling around. I can’t remember the special details of that pregnancy as I can remember the pregnancies of my daughters. I want to! I want to be able to pull those memories out of what ever lock box they are in. I want to remember my son’s first kick. I want to remember how it felt to have him wiggling inside my womb.

And you know, I would really like to leave that horrid room that was my torcher chamber. I wish I could leave the room that I said goodbye to my girls in…….

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September 7, 2006 - Posted by | Adoption, life

6 Comments »

  1. Sheri, hard to read, but it is so true. We relive that day and it is horrible.
    Leanna

    Comment by Leanna Burt | September 7, 2006 | Reply

  2. Sheri, If I could have one wish come true, it would be that day never happened and you and your daughters & son were never parted. I guess its the big sister wanting to fix things for you but of course I can’t so I am here for you always.

    Love, Kel

    Comment by Kelly | September 8, 2006 | Reply

  3. Sheri, I am an adult adoptee, not domestic. However, I just finished my MSW and specialized in child welfare. Your post has been a wonderful reminder for me. I vowed I will never work in child protection because I would not be able to live with myself if I had to remove children from their parents. But the things you write about with CPS are the things I was “trained” to do. I thank you from the bottom of my heart that you bravely shared this. I am burning it in my brain. I will never forget it. I am thinking right now how I have several pieces of paper that describe the “goodbye” process between parents and their children. It makes me angry to think about how we have to control everything, even down to the scripted “goodbye.”

    I think it is sadly ironic that cps (and most social workers) for that matter belive that “helping people” is transferred to social control as the foundation of social work, rather than social justice and social reform, which is what it should be and is for me personally.

    Comment by harlowmonkey | September 8, 2006 | Reply

  4. Sheri- I’m so deeply sorry for the pain you and your children have been forced to suffer. I don’t know what else to say.

    Comment by Overwhelmed! | September 8, 2006 | Reply

  5. Oh urgh you have suffered so much, I wish I could take that away from you. I wish I could get your children back for you.

    Comment by reunionwritings | September 9, 2006 | Reply

  6. Hi Sheri – reading this made me feel so sad, so devastated.
    I read it yesterday but felt I couldn’t just comment there and then, I had to go away and let it sink in some more – I woke up in the night and prayed for you. Then, the next day I came back to read it again and just to leave what comments I can.
    But…in that moment when you were left alone in that sparsely furnished room, you did and said all that a good mother could, you told your children that you loved them, that they were wonderful, that you would always be waiting for them. – I pray that they have held on to that – that they will always remember your loving words, your embrace. May God be close to you, may God be close to your children and one day may He wipe away all the tears.

    God bless
    John (from England)
    http://www.inspiringcalm.com

    Comment by John | September 10, 2006 | Reply


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