Facing my own demons

adoption, adoption loss, life,

A letter to R.

Dearest R.

Happy Birthday my sweet daughter. I so wish I could be in your life this year as you embark on another year of your life. I’ve missed so many of your birthdays. I missed being with you on each and every one of them. I miss you so much. I want you to know that. I miss you! I love you!

For your birthday this year, I wish I could give you something that you’ve expressed a great desire for. But of course, if there is anything that you have wanted greatly, I do not know what it might be and I have no way of getting anything to you. So I write this letter, in hopes that someday you will receive it.

It’s not good enough. I know that there is no way the written words in this letter can be good enough to be the present that I want to give you. But it is all I have right now. I assure you, my whole heart goes into this letter, in hopes that you could somehow feel my love for you, through the words.

My dear sweet oldest daughter. I’m sorry for not being there for you all these years. If I could take back all these years and change it!!! Oh how I would fight for you, if I had known then, what I know now. R I never, never wanted to “give you up” Never! I didn’t know how to fight.

You have to understand, I was raised to believe that people in “authority” are always on the side of right. I believed that if anyone like me, just an average every day person, were to try to fight those people on “high” the average person would always loose! I believed the social worker when she told me I’d never get you and your sister back. I believed all the lies she told me. I thought if I tried to fight “them” I would loose and just make life harder on you and L. There was even a time, when I thought “they” must be right. I did, for a minute, believe that I was not good enough to be your mother. I did, for a minute, believe that you’d never have a happy life with me. I did. I’m sorry for that also!

In the end, I chose what I believed to be the lesser of two evils. I thought there were only two options for you and L. One was to be in foster care, shuffled from one home to the next until you were 18 or I could give you a chance at being adopted into one home where you’d be loved and taken care of. Ether way, I was lost. I believed that. It was the hardest thing I ever did in my life! To sign those papers, giving up my rights as your mother, almost killed me. I want you to know that, because I want you to know that you were never, never unwanted. Never unloved. Never did I believe that I would have a better life without you. Never!

I love you more than you’ll ever know. I want you to know, I am still here, for you. Always. I don’t have all the answers, but I think I have some of the answers you may need and I want to give them to you. I hope some day we can be… Together… In some way. In what ever way that would help you.

I wish I could say something profound that would make everything all make sense. But I can’t. All I can say is Happy Birthday, R, I love you.

Love mom.

There is more to this letter, but I edited it out because it was just too personal to share with the world. I hope someday I can share it with my daughter. I miss her so much. The pain is like the beginning and I can’t handle it any better now than I could 18 years ago. Are birthdays easier when you are in reunion? Maybe I’ll be in reunion before R’s next birthday. If I am, will it be easier? Will I still feel this crushing weight on my heart? Will I still want to drive into the brick wall in hopes of ending that pain?

Or will I finally be able to celebrate R’s birthday with her?

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August 19, 2006 - Posted by | if only, my angels, Uncategorized

4 Comments »

  1. Birthdays are not easier in reunion. They can be, but the first in reunion, I was in bed for a few hours, thinking. This year, the second in reunion, was a little easier.
    But it is still rough.
    Hugs to you.

    Comment by Leanna Burt | August 19, 2006 | Reply

  2. Birthdays for me are easier in reunion but not pain free. I hope you can find her.

    Comment by reunionwritings | August 20, 2006 | Reply

  3. Thanks Leanna. This year has been as bad as the first few years after I lost my kids. I feel like I’ve gone back in time and the pain is fresh again. I know, I’m just trying to wait it out, but I think that I don’t know how I’ll survive this much longer.

    Kim, thanks for that. There is hope. Someday I will find my kids and maybe it won’t be this bad again. I need something to hold on to right now.

    Comment by sheribat | August 20, 2006 | Reply

  4. Sheri- What a beautiful letter to your daughter. I hope she reads it one day soon and see the love there!

    Thanks so much for your comment on my Older Parent (revealing my age) post! I love that your friends were envious of your dad! 🙂

    Comment by Overwhelmed! | August 22, 2006 | Reply


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