Facing my own demons

adoption, adoption loss, life,

When Satan goes to court…..

Warning! Some of this post is very graphic! And very sickning!

Just as I thought it would, my pregnancy with my third and last child was not the fu fu skip through the daisies time, as my first two pregnancies were. It was so hard. I was sick with morning sickness, or stress or both the whole time. I worked anywhere from 45 to 50 hours a week. And I tried, really tried hard, not to get attached to the growing life inside me. (This was an impossible task, but I tried so hard.) And that was for the most part, all I did.

There were a couple of note worthy life events that did happen during my pregnancy. First being that shortly after I signed relinquish papers, the charges against me were dropped. That had never been discussed between myself and the social worker. I never expected the charges to be dropped. I didn’t know what would happen, I didn’t really care. The reason on the papers I was given? 

Insufficient Evidence. !!

 I actually had to go to court for that. When given the summons to appear, it did not say that the charges were being dropped. It just said it was an order to appear… So I was surprised when the DA stood up and babbled something about the state wishing to drop the charge. And that was over. Another part of my life with my daughters was gone. I know that doesn’t make much sense but each little thing that was resolved, seem to be pushing me more toward loosing that self that had two daughters. It was if life itself was taking away all evidence that I ever had any children.

The second life event was my Dad retired and as they had been planing for years, he and R moved from Texas to Tenn. Even though I knew that had been the plan all along, it was just further truth to me that I was truly alone. I had no family left close to me.

A major event that happened during the early part of my pregnancy was J’s case came up. I was summoned as a witness for the prosecution but at the last minute J’s lawyer made a plea bargain with the D.A. And the hearing turned into a sentencing hearing. I don’t remember what they actually called the charge that J plead guilty to, but what it boiled down to was ten counts of inappropriate touching of a minor. I was no longer needed as a witness but was invited to sit and watch the proceedings. The first thing I wondered was where did they get the number 10? Did J count the times he went into our daughter’s room while I was working and violate that poor baby?!

The second thing that struck me was how much like the T.V. Court shows it really was like. I didn’t think real court would be anything like T.V. Court. Even though, the D.A and J’s lawyer had struck a deal and J was told that if he pleaded guilty to the lesser charges he would get a certain sentence, the judge still had the right to over rule the deal that was made. Hence the sentencing hearing.

First the judge informed J of his rights and asked if he understood his rights and asked if he had decided on his own to change his plea from not guilty to guilty without any coarsen. Bla Bla…. Lots of legal terms. Then the defense attorney and the D.A both made opening statements. Who knew what they said… It was all full of words that I didn’t have a clue of the meaning. Then the defense called the one and only witness. J.

The judge reminded J that he had been previously sworn in and he was required by law to tell the truth. (I swear, it was just like T.V. Court with the same words.)

It was so hard for me to sit there in silence and listen to the lies that came out of that man’s mouth, under oath, about what he had and (had not) done to our daughter. First, J’s lawyer established with some well asked questions that J was mentally ill. Apparently he had been evaluated while in jail and was found to be Severe psychotic / something something personality disorder. I don’t remember but it was several different mental illnesses that they said he had.

Then believe it or not, his lawyer brought up ten different dates. I swear, where did they come up with this stuff?! Anyway, he asked J if he had “inappropriately touched one, R.A.C. On these ten dates. J said yes. His lawyer asked him if he knew why he did this. J sat right there and said, no no, I don’t know. It’s like it wasn’t me… But I never did anything more than touch her and I was really only playing with her, but she misunderstood so I stopped.

I felt dizzy thinking about that statement. (of course these aren’t the exact words, I can’t remember the exact words but the meaning behind them was the same.) He said she misunderstood his intentions so he stopped?! Ten separate times!!!???? (still wondering at this time how they decided it was exactly ten times?) But the point was he did it again and again! And everyone there knew he was lying! Everyone knew he didn’t stop at touching! I remember imagining myself jumping up and screaming Liar! Liar! But I sat there, in tears and churning upset stomach and dizzy and watched the lies.

Then the D.A. Got to question J. OMG, he had a chart! It was a large pencil drawing of a baby without any clothes on. I couldn’t believe this. At this time I was so glad that this was only a sentencing hearing and that I wouldn’t have to be subject to being a witness for the court. The D.A asked J by pointing with a pointer at different parts of the pencil baby, “On the said dates, did you touch R here? Here?”  Supposedly it was established through this point and tell display that J had touched R on or around her nipples. !Liar Liar!, screams the crazy woman as they drag her from the court room. Was what I could see the headlines to be.

Then the judge sentenced J to ten years in prison. I guess that is where, or why the ten different accounts of “touching”. A year for each account. I talked to the D.A. after and he told me that J would probably get out on parole in 5 years. Five lousy years for destroying the life of a four year old! I don’t know when he got out. I put as much distance emotionally and physically as possible between myself and him during the next few years. I don’t have a clue what happened to him, or where he might be now. But I still have night mares about him occasionally. Still after 18 years.


June 28, 2006 - Posted by | past


  1. It’s a miracle you are still alive, where are your girls? Stupid question probably, I am desperate for you to have your children back. It’s most distressing to know how badly you were treated. I am relieved to see you here giving this a voice.

    Comment by kim.kim | June 28, 2006 | Reply

  2. I did get to see R once when she was 16 years old. Her amom got a message from the CPS that her grandmother was very sick. She was very close to my step mother as a child and thought they meant her. It turned out to be my exhusband’s mother and R had no interest in seeing her. So R, her amom and two of her adoptee sisters came to Tenn, from Texas to see me and my step mother. It was so wonderful and very scary for all of us.

    That’s when R’s amom told me that she and her husband had been R’s foster parents from the beginning and were told well before I had made the desision that I had already decided to relinquish R and they could adopt her. And that L was always in another foster home only a few miles from R and they got to see each other once a week. She told me that L’s foster parents also adopted her as soon as it was posible. And soon after that L’s new parents decided it was best for L to not see R any more. She said it was very hard on R and she begged L’s amom to reconsider. At that time, R still knew where L lived but was not allowed contact. R.’s amom had some misguided ideas, but for the time, she was more progressive than I believe most adoptive parents were. She believed that R should have as much access to her past as she wanted at any given time. She also thought she should be able to keep in contact with me as long as she wanted. She obviously didn’t trust me completely, but she did acknowledge that she could see the love I had for R. Maybe that scared her too, but she didn’t stop R from contacting me… as far as I know.

    They visited. They went home, I was never given their last name, home town name, although I do know it was a farm close to Dallas, or their phone no. For a while, R would call me once a month or more often. But then she just stopped calling. I pray that someday she will be ready to call me again. I think that it might be posible that my step mother had r’s address but where it might be…. My Dad is still finding her hiding places around their house and it’s been a year since my step mother passed away. She hid money and papers of all kinds all over the place. I am kind of hoping that R’s amom has kept up with L so they could reunite when they became adults.

    Of course, now that they are both adults, could I get info from the CPS?

    Comment by sheribat | June 28, 2006 | Reply

  3. Go and see if you can get information, it’s worth a try. Maybe R. lost your phone number, you won’t know if you don’t try. If it’s not too painful that is, do try and find your girls if you can.

    Comment by kim.kim | June 28, 2006 | Reply

  4. Unbelievable. After you sign the papers they say insufficient evidence? Unbearable that you should have to sit in that court room listening to that horror and afraid to speak. I want to smash them all.

    Comment by cloudscome | June 29, 2006 | Reply

  5. Don’t give up trying to find them again. They still wonder about you I am sure and want to know your love. I don’t know how to find them but someone here does.

    Comment by cloudscome | June 29, 2006 | Reply

  6. I agree with Kim.Kim. If it’s not too painful for you, do your best to find your girls again!

    Comment by Overwhelmed! | July 10, 2006 | Reply

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