Facing my own demons

adoption, adoption loss, life,

Looking into my past: pt 5b My perfect life…


Back in those days I didn't have a car. Hell, I didn't even drive. My dad had tried to teach me to drive the year before, but made me so nervous by yelling that I stopped trying to learn. So each night, when we finished our "after work beer party" someone had to take me home. Usually it was the manager. Although, I was always slightly buzzing, I never thought about getting in the car with the manager. I always figured that if I was only slightly buzzed, the other's were probably not buzzed at all, because they were more experienced drinkers. (I look back on that now and know that I was just really lucky.)

One night the manager had something he had to do. So he asked me if it would be ok if J, the strange "beer" guy took me home. I didn't really like J but I figured he was harmless so I said it was fine. And basically it was fine. He did make a pass at me, but I told him I wasn't interested in him in that way and he accepted that without argument. J was 12 years older than me, which to me at that time seemed really old. But the fact that he backed off quickly when I asked him to opened up a twinge of thought for me that he might not be such a bad guy. He was an outsider, like me after all. He was lonely and tried to hard to make friends. I could understand that, because I was the same. So I became "friends" with J that night.

That was also the night that my perfect life would began to crack. Not all at once. Just a tiny crack that would slowly spiderweb until it would shatter completely. My stepfather was waiting up for me that night. He, H, had never done that before. He saw me getting out of J's pickup and absolutely hit the roof! I didn't know why he was so upset. The man had just gave me a ride home. That was it. But H insisted that I was "acting like a whore, going out with men twice my age!"

I told him he was wrong. That I didn't go out with J, that he just gave me a ride home from work. I guess H knew that I'd been drinking. I'm sure he could smell it on me, but he never mentioned it and nether did I. All he did was keep yelling he knew I was just slutting around every night. (I found it totally amazing that at school I tried hard to hide the fact that I was a virgin, but now at home I was being accused of having sex with every guy at work)

Finally, I guess H just got tired and stopped yelling and went to bed. And I figured that was the end of that and went to bed myself for my nightly 3 hour nap before school.

That was not the end of it. Not by a long shot.

The next morning was normal. I went to school, slept through a couple of classes so I would be fit for work that night and came home….. But to what?

H and my mom were waiting in the living room. They were literally sitting on the edge of the couch, backs straight, waiting for me to arrive home. It looked like some kind of after school special. "When kids go bad, parents must intervene…. " But it wasn't an "intervention", oh No! It was a meeting to let me know there were new rules. None of these rules were about what I was to do, or not do with my time. Issues of school or work were not discussed. What I did with my free time, not important. What was important, to H, (who did all the talking) and my mother, or at least so H said, was that I would pay rent. The rent I was to pay was exactly half of my take home pay. This rent would give me privilege of the bedroom and bathroom and one hour a day of sitting in the living room with them watching t.v. And that was all. I was not allowed to use their refrigerator, their stove, in fact I should stay out of their kitchen completely. What was I supposed to do for food? I could eat at school and work… And that was the end of any discussions.

I chose not to use my one hour t.v. Privilege. When I wasn't at work or school I sat in my room and read or wrote and listened to my tiny clock radio. Life went on as per normal for several weeks this way, except that I didn't talk to my mother or H at all. I never told them where I was going when I left, they didn't ask. They didn't talk to me ether. When I paid my "rent" I left it on the coffee table when ever they were not in the living room so that I wouldn't have to interact with them at all.

I was so lonely. I wanted so much to call my dad. I missed him so much. The memories of the abuse that I had received from R seemed to be just bad dreams. The fact that my dad had never tried to see my side of things seemed to be fogged in my memory now. I wanted to talk to my dad so bad. I wanted to be hugged by him. I wanted to have him tell me he loved me and always had and also have him tell me he would protect me. But I did remember his last words very clearly. "If you go to your mother's, there will be no turning back. You can Never, come back here."  So I didn't call my dad. I just existed in my own tiny little loveless world.

I continued being a part of the "beer" parties after work each night. J took me home every night. I no longer avoided talking to him. We had pleasant conversations and he never tried to make a pass at me again. We had become friends, I never thought of being any thing more than that with him.

Meanwhile, I was sort of dating another man… Who was also older than me, quite a bit. We really didn't ever go out on a real date. Mostly we'd just meet somewhere and sit in his car and kiss. When I lived with my Dad, I had never been allowed to go anywhere without my parents so I had no experience with boys at all. I mean Zero!

I liked kissing, it was fun and exciting but I had no real interest in going further with this man. But eventually he did start pressuring me to go further. And I just figured that if I didn't then I'd be a tease and that was in my mind a bad bad thing. So the first time I had sex was in the back seat of an ugly beat up car with a man that had never even seen fit to buy me dinner. It was horrible to me and I was glad it was over quickly.

 I never saw that man again. Seriously! He just disappeared! That too sounds like some kind of after school special to me. I didn't think those sort of things really happened.

It was very shortly after the night that I lost my virginity to the amazing disappearing man, that H decided to visit me in my bed room one day. (By this time I had already had my 18th birthday. I had not graduated because I had failed two classes, so I didn't have enough credits to graduate and I had already decided not to attend summer school, instead would go to school for half a year, the next year to get my credits.) 

The fact that he just opened the door and walked in, without so much as a knock, really bothered me. (I was paying rent for this room after all, didn't I have rights to privacy?) But I didn't say anything because something about the look in his eyes scared me. I couldn't place a reason for my fear, but suddenly I was afraid. He sat down on the bed and started talking to me.. I mean just talking, like we were friends or something.. Just passing the time of day together. I was really getting "Weirded out" about how he was acting. Suddenly, he reached out and grabbed my shoulders, hard. So hard that I later discovered finger tip shaped bruises on my shoulders. And he kissed me. I fought to get away but his gripped tightened. I was so scared! I started crying hysterically. Then he just stopped, let go and smiled at me and left the room. It was so weird! I was shaking so bad that I couldn't move for a long time.

A few hours later, H called me out of my bedroom. My mom was in the living room, on the couch. She was crying. H said they had discussed my behavior over the last few weeks and my behavior today. The "disrespect" I had shown H today. I didn't have a clue what he was talking about and said so. And he said oh, don't try to lie, I told your mother everything that happened while she was taking a nap. (That's when it hit me, my mother was taking a nap in the other room when H had kissed me! I was speachless!) He had told her that I had made a pass at him! I couldn't believe it! I was crying and telling my mother that wasn't true, but she wouldn't even look at me. Then H dropped the other bomb. They had decided that it would be best for everyone if I moved out. Now! Not next week, not tomorrow, right now. I was to go into my room and pack my stuff and get out.

Now remember I didn't have a car, I didn't even drive. I had already given them my rent money and H said I could not have it back, so I had very little money. I was just barely 18 years old. I didn't have a clue what to do, where to go. My first thought was to go to my brother's apartment, who lived in the same complex as H and mom. I didn't tell him anything. Just that I had moved out of Mom's and I needed a place to stay. I should have told him the whole story, but I didn't. Not even sure why I didn't. My brother said it wasn't a good idea. His apartment was tiny and there really wasn't room. He really thought I had left my moms because of a silly argument and that I would go back if he turned me away.

Of course, I couldn't go back. I thought about calling my dad. But I thought he wouldn't take me back ether. That was what he had said, after all. So I only had one other place to go. Work. I walked the four blocks to work, luggage in tow. I talked the manager into letting me store my stuff in the back room and the first night, after the restaurant closed, I stayed at a 24 hour game room playing video games. The next night, I told J what had happened and he said I could stay at his place. I was a little hesitant, but I didn't have any where else to go, so I told him ok, but it didn't mean anything. He said "no, I know, I'll never be anything that you don't want me to be. You can have the bed room and the door has a lock and I'll sleep in the living room."

And he kept to his word. He was very respectful. And he was a great listener. I felt basically alone in the world, having no family that I thought cared about me at all. I wanted so much to have someone to take care of me. Someone to love me. I was spiraling into a world of depression, self doubt and self loathing. I was sure that there was something wrong with me, that "everyone" in my family had rejected me.

Having J, there listening to me when I cried in anguish… Having him try to reassure me that it wasn't my fault…. Well, it helped. I began to look at him with different eyes. All that strangeness that I saw in him before, seemed to fall away. I began to doubt my first impression of him and started trusting him.

Very soon after I moved in to his apartment, J and I became more than friends. He became my Knight in… Bla bla. We had a whirl wind romance and were married two months after I moved into his apartment..as just friends.

This is longer than I anticipated. I will continue this on a new post. I've considered cutting parts of it. But I think everything in this is important to the frame of mind that I was in when I entered this odd marriage. The things that happened in my life before my marriage, shaped my personality, or rather, my personality disorder. I became sullen and withdrawn. I more or less did what ever I thought I was supposed to do as a wife and let J tell me what to do in life. I totally lost my self. I was J's wife, if I didn't have that.. I felt I would fall into a state of nothingness. …..


June 23, 2006 - Posted by | life, past

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