Facing my own demons

adoption, adoption loss, life,

Looking into my past: pt 5 The perfect Life

Wow, it's been a while since we looked into the mirror of my past. I had to go back and read where I left off.

I guess I have to build up steam to continue, as I get closer to the heart of the matter. Or maybe I'm just stalling…. The closer I get to The point of no return, the more I have trouble with my stomach and chest hurting. I don't sleep well at night when I think about writing it out. Still after all these years, the pain is still fresh. Under the surface now, not out in the open for everyone to see, but it's still there, like a wound that never quite healed under the skin. And of course there is the fear. The fear of judgement. I've spent so so many years, judging myself, and being judged by others, even in silence, that I fear that when I reveal all…. Well, you know…

I still judge myself pretty harshly on all this. I know the facts now, the facts that I didn't know then. I made some unbelievably stupid mistakes back then. The fact that I wasn't quite sure what all of it would lead to, is not the point. I was a grown woman and I could have made better choices in the beginning… But I can't fix that now. Hell, I couldn't even fix it then after the choices were made. Each time I was lead by myself, or by others into that dark alley, I tried a new turn and it only led me to another dark alley. Until finally, I hit a wall, or so I thought and I had only one way to go. It was the most horrible path that could exist for me, but I saw no other path. I was lost and alone and well, quite frankly, I was just plain stupid. I was willing to listen to anyone who said they wanted to help, because there was no one in my family saying it at all. Unfortunately, the people who said they wanted to help… Were liars! Plan and simple.  I was just to stupid to see that.

Well, anyway, knowing all I know now, I can see that I totally destroyed my life and the lives of my children because I was so ignorant.  There are those who can play on that ignorance and twist your thoughts until you can't see anything except what they want you to see.

 We aren't to that point yet. First we have to look further back to see things that might have made me all the more vulnerable to the brain washing. So I go back to where I left off. I was 17 and suddenly found myself living with my mother, that I hadn't seen since I was 5 years old and a step father that I had never met before that time. Everything was all good for a while. H. My step father seemed to be trying hard to be "friends" with me. And my mother showed me all the mother's love that I had been needing for so many years. I entered my senior year in high school and found it amazing to go to a large school for the first time in my life. I didn't make many friends, that was normal for me, I never was popular. But I wasn't teased and tormented in this large school like I had been for all of my child hood in the smaller schools. No one noticed me at this school and I loved that! I got my very first "real" job; at Burger King. And I loved that job! I took to the work very quickly and was soon considered one of the best employees they had. Wow! This was totally new for me. I was getting attention and it was good! I worked even harder, I volunteered to work over, to work my days off. I would do the job of two people easy just to hear those managers say "oh look at Sheri. If all our crew were like Sheri we'd be the number one store." I was like a dog, performing so someone would throw me a bone. I came out of my shell and made friends with everyone at work. (At school I was sullen and with drawn, but at work, I was a shinning star!)

Mom and H did not really set any rules. I guess they didn't see a need for them. All I did was work and go to school. So when I started working until 3 in the morning, every night, including week nights. They didn't try to stop me. I was still going to school every day. I did some, if not all of my homework on my "lunch" breaks. So I guess they felt it wasn't a problem they had to address. Then I learned a little secret about the night management at work. After we closed, there were the two or three people who stayed to clean up. Someone had called out one night, so I volunteered to stay and help. I even found cleaning fun. We played really loud music and sprayed the floors with water and soap and had sliding races across the wet slippery floors. And again, I was the one getting all the attention, because I had "saved" them again. But it was after we finished cleaning that the real "fun" began. There was this guy, who came in late at night just to do the worst cleaning jobs that no one else wanted to do, J. He was dirty and kind of strange to me. He didn't mind climbing inside the large broiler and cleaning the soot and grease off the inside. He didn't mind that his skin and clothing were covered in black soot and smelly greese before he was half way thru with his job each night. And he said strange things at strange times. Everyone more or less made fun of him, but he brought beer. He was one of those people who tried so hard to make friends that no one liked him, but he had beer. So everyone would be some what civil to him. The beer was concummed by everyone that "closed" the store. The clean up crew and manager after we finished our work. We'd take about thirty minutes to clean up and then we'd sit around talking and drinking J's beer for another hour or so. I didn't really like the taste of beer, but I wanted to keep my fit in statis so I drank with the rest of them. I was the youngest one there, the only one that was underage. No one cared about that. I became a regular part of the closing team, because <I fit in so well. So this became a nightly routine.

My slide by grades dropped to mostly failing grades. But no one really seemed to notice that. I didn't care because the store manager at work had already told me that I could have a management position as soon as I turned 18. I thought this is my future.  I didn't see that I was already setting myself up for a life time of failures. I was happy. Life was perfect. Amazingly enough, this wasn't the last time I fell for "life is perfect, nothing could go wrong" thinking.

to be

Continue

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June 22, 2006 - Posted by | past

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