Facing my own demons

adoption, adoption loss, life,


I had a dream last night that disturbs me on so many levels. All of my dreams lately have been related to my emotion turmoil of my children. This one was ominous and cryptic, but I know it was also related to my feelings about my search. I feel like I can find answers now, if I can find the answers to this Dream. But that is silly, isn't it? I mean I made up the dream. I can't really will information to come that I don't have by deciphering a dream that was made up in my sub-conscience, can I?

So here it is:

I was in this… Tent? Very very large unending tent.. Like a military medical tent as I would imagine it… There were all these people….laying on cots, rows and rows of cots so close together that you had to walk sideways between them. My duty was to give each person one, no more no less, one sip of water. Now mind you that none of these people, men and woman of all races, (I did have the sense that there was someone there from every race in the world and ever combination of race… In other words, the cots of people waiting for ONE sip of water from me, was endless.)

None of these people had any physical signs of injury. No bruises, no marks, no cuts, no signs of illness. But I knew all of them were in terrible, undescribable pain. Each time I looked into the eyes of yet another {Patient}, my heart stopped beating, my lungs seemed to constrict and I couldn't breath. I was shaking and my chest hurt so bad that I was sure I would soon pass out. And suddenly, I knew that this sip of water was not helping AT ALL! I couldn't just blindly continue doing this, JUST BECAUSE I WAS TOLD I SHOULD. So there was this nurse at a desk suddenly. She wasn't there before. She was moving files from one side of her desk to another and back again. I went to her and told her that I couldn't just keep on giving these people water. It wasn't helping… "these people are in serious pain!" I said, and she said "Why do you say that?" I told her it was in their eyes and she nodded and shuffled me to a door. The door wasn't there before…

"Go on now", she said, "you passed." And I tried to argue, who was going to help "them", who was going to give them water? And she said someone else was already assigned to them. The next "room" was not a room at all. It was like a desert. It was dusk. Enough light to see, but just dark enough to make everything look dull. It was like a waste land. There were no people, no plants nothing. But my "job" was to find the people. No one told me this, I just knew. The "people" were lost and I had to find them and then find where they were supposed to go…. I started walking, my legs started hurting so bad, with the first step I took, but I walked. I only took a few steps and thought I saw something…. What I saw I don't know, because I woke up.

OK, So I guess this dream was not so Cryptic now that I have wrote it down I can see the logic of it… But I can't put into words the feelings that were involved in that dream. On waking, I stand up from my bed and discover that my RH has flared and my knee won't hold my weight. This is not unusual, it happens sometimes overnight for no apparent reason. But I wonder if this  time it was the stress of the dream? So how do I find my lost loves in this waste land? Why couldn't I stay asleep and finish that dream!?

My chest hurts… Again… Off to take a hot bath so I can maybe get through work today……..


June 18, 2006 - Posted by | Adoption, life, today


  1. I think our dreams are telling us what we know but are unable to reach when awake. My old therapist used to tell me his Jungian therory of dreams… that everyone and everything in the dream is a part of you. The mom, the baby, the monster, the hero, the bad guy, the good guy… all parts of you. You mind is trying to balance it all out and make sense of the jumble we all are. So you are trying to offer a drink of water to all the parts of you in pain… and it is too big a task and the nurse in you knows that and is sending you on to the next part… the quest to find the lost parts? The thing I see is your courage and determination to keep going and face the pain.

    Comment by cloudscome | June 18, 2006 | Reply

  2. Hmm, well, it’s an interesting perspective. I will have to think on this a while. My thoughts on this after I wrote it down and analized it a bit, was that the other people in pain were the people as my mind precieves that have lost their children. Other people like me…As I see them, I think. Which is as I do see myself, so yeah, you are right on that… Mind you, I have no preconcieved ideas that I can help any of these people. Heck, I can’t even help myself yet! But the more I do learn how “not alone” I am the more it hurts me to think of all the others who are suffering like me, some of them even in silence. ….

    Courage? yeah, well I don’t think so. … but that’s something else I’ll have to think on. but there is always… fake it ’till you make it… or so they say.

    As usual, you offer a fresh new perspective for me to consider and I thank you for that.

    Comment by sheribat | June 18, 2006 | Reply

  3. None of these people had any physical signs of injury. No bruises, no marks, no cuts, no signs of illness. But I knew all of them were in terrible, undescribable pain.

    Our subconscious never lies. It speaks to our hearts in powerful metaphors. It teaches us the subtle details we overlook in waking life. It works on us and through us like a steady, deep ocean current. We may not immediately know how to act on our dreams, and maybe action isn’t what’s necessary. Maybe what’s necessary is understanding. The fact that you posted your dream for others to read can open new doors in unexpected places.

    Comment by marie jarrell | June 21, 2006 | Reply

  4. marie jarrell, thank you so much for stopping by and commenting on my blog. I do hope that you are right, that is my hope to get other perspectives that maybe I haven’t thought of before.

    Comment by sheribat | June 22, 2006 | Reply

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