Facing my own demons

adoption, adoption loss, life,

Thank God for Sisters!

Sisterhood: The solidarity of women based on shared conditions.

Sometimes we find sisters in the oddest places. I've found many that I would say I am in sisterhood with inside this odd little box, I call my 'puter. These are the woman who share with me the horrible loss of a child, or children to adoption. It's a sisterhood that we all wish we didn't have. Not because we don't want to share with each other, or support each other. (I've met some of the most wonderful giving women anyone could ever hope to meet in my travels on this Internet quest.) But if we could step into some kind of time machine. Knowing what we know now, we'd change the part of our lives that put us into this sisterhood. We'd find a way to keep our kids! Some way, some how, we'd not be, according to the eyes of society, Birth-mothers! We'd just be mothers!

But there is no time machine! We can't go back and change it all. We can't get that piece of our hearts, our soles that were, lost, stolen from us. All we can do now, is go forward and try to support each other in our sisterhood. And pray that someday… Some wonderful day we will reunite with those little lost souls. Sometimes it seems that is all we live for. That someday!

Of course, for me, until very recently, I never thought there might be a someday. At least not for me and my youngest son. OH I'm not kidding myself here, I know that my chances of even finding him are slim, but now I see that there is at least a tiny microscopic chance. Some times I feel like I'm walking in a fog, sometimes I feel like I'm walking on air. Sometimes I get so depressed I can't even cry at all. Finding that there is a sisterhood that I can be in helps, but when the computer is off… I am alone….. And scared! Yes, I am. Scared that this is a fruitless search, scared that I will find him and he will reject me. Scared that I'll be a little old lady someday still searching and never finding. I'm scared. This is not a good place to be, all the time.

What I had forgotten is one other source of support that I wasn't using. I haven't really discussed any of this with anyone in my family. I haven't talked about all of this to anyone in years! On my bad times, I usually just say I'm sick. My family sees what they want to see for the most part, so they accept my depressions as illness without question. And if it is not too bad, I can usually fake it enough for no one to notice anything being wrong. Except when it comes to one person in my family. The one person who knows when something is "not right" with me, even through email, or lack there of. The one person who has more than proven time and time again just how much she cares for me and loves me. She has never judged me, never. And yet, because I have spent much of my life being judged and judging myself, I didn't reach out to her . For no reason what so ever, I didn't trust her any more than I trusted the people who had hurt me. Ironically, this person is my sister!

K and I lost touch for several years when I was a young adult. It wasn't until my marriage to my second/current husband that K and I found our friendship again. But it didn't matter, all those lost years. We were best friends again immediately just as we had been as kids. And we are today, best friends. We email each other daily and K is the only person that I actually like talking to on the phone. I hate the phone. Ha.

Recently, I pulled away from K., because I had entered the blog world of lost mothers. K knew something was wrong. She felt it. But I gave her excuses why I missed writing to her yesterday. Why I only wrote three words today. She didn't push, but she let me know she was worried about me. Finally, I told her everything. I had never even told her my complete story …. This seems unreal to me now. Why Why hadn't I turned to her before? Because, partially anyway, I thought, she's never been through this, she won't understand, and she'll see me as bad like everyone else did.

I wrote her a letter that was easily 5 pages long I think. Everything! I told her everything. I had also told her that I didn't want her to be my sister, when it came to all of "this" I just wanted her to be my friend. I begged her not to be angry with me. I begged her to still be my best friend… I cried the whole time I typed that letter. When I hit send, I jerked my mouse back to where the button would be trying to get the letter back. I checked my mail every hour for the rest of the day until I went to bed. I couldn't sleep that night. And when I got up, there was her letter.

"I'm not mad at you. I love you. I can't believe you had to go through all this by yourself………." were just a few of the wonderful things my sister said to me.

My favorite thing in her letter was so simple yet held such love and understanding and knowing. She knew just what I need and she's there for me. What was this magic sentence?

"I also hope I can help you to find your son."

My dear sweet sister! Again I have to tell you I was wrong to say I didn't want you to be my sister in relation to my adoption loss. I need my sister now more than ever! You are and always will be my sister, not because of the blood that runs in our veins, but because you are my best friend! And I love you!

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June 16, 2006 - Posted by | Hello World, life, today

4 Comments »

  1. I am so glad you wrote it all to your sister… Thank God for her and her love and support! She will be there for you in your search… YAY!

    Comment by cloudscome | June 18, 2006 | Reply

  2. I’m glad your sister was there for you when you told her and glad that you have the relief of her knowing.

    Comment by mskimkim | June 18, 2006 | Reply

  3. Thanks Cloudscome and Kim, yes it was quite a relief to learn that my sister didn’t suddenly change into someone she has never been and start judging me, like she’s never done. Ha. I laugh with relief really. I put so much work into the silly fear of her reaction that I forgot who it was that K is and always will be. It just isn’t posible for her to turn against me for all of this, not Her.

    Comment by sheribat | June 18, 2006 | Reply

  4. I’m so glad that you have your sister to lean on during these troubled times! I, too, have a sister (actually two) that I lean on for support during my troubled times. God has blessed us both in this respect!

    Comment by Overwhelmed! | June 26, 2006 | Reply


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