Facing my own demons

adoption, adoption loss, life,

Looking into my past pt 3: Questions, no answers

So I've been thinking a lot about my mother lately. Of course it is because of my last entry in this journal. Never the less, it has spark a whole new set of possibilities in my mind. Let me start off by saying that everything from this point on is pure speculation on my part. I have no clue if anything that I've thought of could be right or even close to the truth.

The first thing I have to do is look at my vantage point. I was 5. My vantage point was low to the ground. I knew nothing that my family didn't want me to know. Since my mother was not there, I only knew what my dad wanted me to know. Only his side of the story that he deemed appropriate for me to know. Which, of course, I was 5! Was not much.

Of course later, I learned that my mother was almost completely cut off from her own family. And for the most part, she still is today. Her family for all general purposes, disowned her. There were and are a sparse few members of her immediate family that refused to ostracize her. And with that information, I have to think about all the poor mothers who are coerced into "giving up" their precious babies by the use of what is moral. Morality is used as a weapon against these women to convinced them that since they had sex before marriage, they couldn't be a mother.

And so I wonder, did that happen to my mother? Did her family, her "friends" or even my dad convince her that since she had an affair it would be easy enough to get her declared as an unfit mother? Did they tell her that it would be public for all to know what terrible thing she had done? Was she told it would be better for us, (me and my sister) if she just gave up her rights to us completely and not bring her dirty dirty little secret to public court?

I am not condoning what she did. I think having an affair while married and living with your spouse is bad. But did it make her a bad mother? I'm not sure one thing had to do with the other… Well it didn't until she decided to leave and not take me and my sister. But I don't even know why she left the way she did. Maybe my dad knew she was leaving. Maybe she told him everything and he told her she had better not take his kids to that man's house! Or maybe she confided in her mother and her mother convinced her to leave us behind. So many possibilities.

And why haven't I asked? This is a question that I also don't have the answer to. I want to know, I've always wanted to know. When I was small, I remember thinking of her often and I always wanted to ask her, "What bad thing did I do to make you leave me?"

But when I first reunited with her, at 17 years of age. I didn't ask her. I waited for her to tell me. She didn't. And then when I Reunion with her again as an adult, just a few years ago, I felt the questions had been hanging out there too long. So I still wait for her to tell me, but I've never pushed. Should I? Do you think that she is waiting for me to let her know that I want to know? Do you think she doesn't know how bad I want to know the truth?

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June 12, 2006 - Posted by | past

4 Comments »

  1. I would ask her in a way that made her feel safe. Tell her that you have all these gaps in your memories and only your father’s version of events. Ask her if she can explain her side of things and if she is comfortable with that? It can only bring healing for you to know the truth and if you don’t ask you won’t know, she might be waiting for you to ask.
    Or she might not tell you because it’s too difficult to talk about, but at least you will know.
    Or are you scared that if you ask her she will back away and it will ruin your relationship?
    So many layers to this.

    Comment by mskimkim | June 12, 2006 | Reply

  2. I just found your blog – wow. You are working through a lot. I wish I had some insights, but I am thinking you will just need to move step by step through the relationship with your mother, and read the signs as they come up. But it seems to me that you will reach a point, if you’re not there now, at which you’ll be able to discuss the past with her.

    Best.

    Margie

    Comment by Margie | June 13, 2006 | Reply

  3. There are probably things she wishes she could tell you or explain to you, but maybe she is also afraid or ashamed or can’t put it into words… Maybe she is waiting for you to ask. I agree with KimKim, perhaps you can bring up the subject telling her you are trying to fill in your memory and she what she is comfortable with… and go from there. Just be ready to give her enough room to come around to it in her time. You have years of living with secrets and silence so hearing the truth might be hard on all of your family, you included.

    Comment by cloudscome | June 15, 2006 | Reply

  4. I agree with the other posters, it might help if YOU start the conversation, trying to do so in a way that makes her feel safe to talk about it. I’m sure she has a lot of guilt and anxiety about the whole matter and maybe she doesn’t feel she has the right to justify her actions. Not that this is the case, but she may feel that way.

    You’ll never know how she feels unless you talk to her.

    Comment by Overwhelmed! | June 26, 2006 | Reply


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