Facing my own demons

adoption, adoption loss, life,

Looking into my past pt1: What do you remember?

Looking into my past shouldn't take me long. My memory is… Sporadic at best. Maybe that is perfectly normal. I mean, maybe everyone has great big gapping holes in their memory. I don't know.

I think by the time most people hit the big four O they have seen enough, heard enough to be, or think they can be an amateur physiologist. You hear things on t.v. Your friends and acquaintances have things happen in their lives that they tell you about. Or you even may look things up and read about them. So you can look at some situations and make amateur self diagnosis just from things you've learned in every day life over the years. Maybe this is good…. Maybe it's not. Maybe, as my DH believes, people today depend too much on Dr's and psychiatrist, who only over medicate people and teach them to blame others for their own problems.

Or maybe I need to stop kidding myself and ignore my (I know it all) husband and find a way to get help. But there isn't a way that I can see right now, so here I am. Writing down what is on my mind hoping that will give me some kind of relief from this depression that seems to be choking me to the point that I don't even know why my body is still alive, much less walking around doing daily activities.

Ok, side tracked a little, but back to my memories. It is not only my child hood memories that have gaps, but my adult memories as well. But for now, I am speaking of my child hood memories. Amazing to me, I do have a few memories of things that happened when I was three, four and five years old. (but ahem… Dh can recite every Christmas present he ever got since he was 2 years old) So maybe my three year old memories are quite normal. But apparently I went straight from 5 years old to 8 years old, because I have no memories from the two years that are supposed to be in between. Sometimes I think that everyone's child hood memories are like this. That there are years that were just not important enough to retain memories of. Or perhaps it was my subconscious putting a block on those years because my mother had just left me and maybe those were the two hardest years for me. Do you think that it is perfectly normal for your brain to protect you from painful memories of childhood? Does this happen to everyone? Should I just leave well enough alone and let my brain protect me?

It's possible that all these questions should be answered yes. But I can't help but persist. I have to persist because, while my missing childhood memories might be of no consequence now, there are adult memories that are missing that I want back!  How do I do that? I don't know. I'm just stumbling around in the dark here trying to figure this out the best way I can alone.

So, hmmm, I really didn't talk much about my past did I? Well, maybe next time. For now, I seem to be just playing this by ear. I get a topic in my head and I start writing and let it lead me where ever. This time my memory or lack there of seem to take over my thoughts. So many questions. So if there is anyone out there reading this, what do you think? Do you think I am perfectly normal or am I so insane that I should be in a straight jacket. Ok, even I know that is extreme………..maybe


June 9, 2006 - Posted by | life, past


  1. I have missing memories too… I think some of it is because of pain and some is just because other things pushed them out/down. I think the most important events are either highlighted or supressed… depending on whether your brain is trying to protect you or work through something… but everyone is different.

    Writing it all out is a good thing for you to do now, and you are doing it, so give yourself some bonus points! Be gentle, it’s coming.

    Comment by cloudscome | June 11, 2006 | Reply

  2. I think you’re perfectly normal, from what I’ve read so far. I have lots of gaps in my memory and I’m 37. I’ve been absent minded for as long as I can remember!

    Something that you wrote struck a cord with me…” Writing down what is on my mind hoping that will give me some kind of relief from this depression that seems to be choking me to the point that I don’t even know why my body is still alive, much less walking around doing daily activities.”

    I don’t suffer from severe depression, but I have been journaling since I was 16 years old (I probably have over 40 books filled). I truly believe that my journaling has been quite healing to me. I hope it proves to be so for you as well!

    Comment by Overwhelmed! | June 25, 2006 | Reply

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